Vindictive bullying when a child dies

My son has a life limiting condition, as do many of his contemporaries at school. This is the reality of being a parent of a child with very severe disabilities and complex health and medical needs. Sadly, each year we loose members of our close knit school community.

The school has become quite adept at handling this loss. They have a well oiled protocol that swings into action and I am grateful for it.

From the outside, this is what it looks like.

The school is informed that a child has died.

We receive a notification on our phone "Parents, there is a letter in your child's bag this evening".  So many of our communications now are online, through teams or email or apps that this notification is significant. There is usually a 'heads up' if its about a club or activity or consent is required, but these messages stand out for their lack of additional information.

The letters sets out the loss - I am not going into cold details, but the letter is sensitive and informative and compassionate.

We are told about the grieving arrangements in school. We are asked if would we like our child to take part. I used to say no. My son was so young and fragile and I was so protective of him. I didn't want him ever to pick up on fear or sadness or loss.

Lately, I have changed my mind on this. Remembering the loss of the precious lives of the people in our community is important and he needs to go and to grieve in his way.

What we experience now is a whole world away from the first time I experienced a child in a school community dying.

Our son had not been 7 weeks at his first ever school. He had been put into Class 1 because there was no space in reception class.

I had taken my son into school as I usually did and a parent told me that a child had died in reception class. I was devastated. The reality of the world we now lived in, a small community where the smallest, youngest most fragile members might leave at any time was overwhelming.

We had a multi-discipline meeting for my son that day. Just before we went in I was approached and asked if I wanted my child to go into reception as a space had opened up. I asked "Are you talking about the child who has died". The reply was yes. I said that I would need time to process. The Deputy Head replied "I need to know in the next hour or I will offer the place to some one who wants it". I explained we were just entering an hour long meeting to be followed by another hour long meeting. She replied "OK, 2 hours then".

Schools need bereavement protocols that swing into action when there is a loss in the school community. They need to be prepared for these inevitable events and have clear steps in place that everyone knows about and everyone is clear what is going to happen.

So that no one is left wondering, what happens now and everybody is treated appropriately and with the utmost respect.

I would argue that not having appropriate protocols in place shows a lack of respect and value for the lives of severely disabled children and their families.